It’s 1:27 a.m and i’m sitting here with my coffee, literally on the verge of crying because I cannot comprehend how outrageous this week has been.
I want to laugh and cry at the same time, scream to the universe “WHY?”– but nothing comes out except for a dry heave and a heavy feeling in my heart. I’m not sure how to act, what to feel. I don’t know what’s appropriate.
Just three days ago, I got to sit on the same couch and interview Anne Curtis, one of the most prominent (if not currently the most prominent) celebrity in the Philippines. I was on cloud nine. I couldn’t believe it. I told myself i’d cherish this victory.
Then yesterday happened. It was just another day until I got the text from my mom that my grandmother had passed away. My initial reaction was completely blasé, indifferent, even. But within just a few minutes of truly internalizing that reality, the walls crumbled. I cried so hard, I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t care that I was in public. I didn’t care that I had to grab my things from work and go.
I drove to my favourite spot and sat in the stone cold silence, feeling the wind on my skin. I closed my eyes and felt at that moment that my grandma was now infinite; she was in the air that I was breathing. She’ll forever be with me.
I sent my soliloquy off to the Heavens. I spoke to her while sitting under the tree. I told her I loved her and I recounted my first memories of her. I thanked her. I spoke of our time together, and finally, I said goodbye.
I showed up to work today feeling a lot better. I felt stronger, calmer. Then the clock striked twelve and I fell apart again, knowing full well that around this time yesterday, someone I loved so much had left this world forever.
I only cried for a few minutes before regaining my composure and getting back to work. My work schedule has been nothing but catastrophic. My day job is busy; My freelance job and volunteer commitments are just as busy. I’d gone for 3 days with just 11 hours of sleep the past week, but the truth is that my mental and physical exhaustion cannot compare to the emotional weight of knowing that i’ll never get to see her again.
You see, she was one of the biggest reasons why I would gladly show up to work with just a few hours of sleep. She was, and is, my biggest inspiration.
Something about seeing my grandma malnourished and lying weak in bed on August 2018 stirred something in me. This woman, my hero, was wilting away and lying on her deathbed. This woman who had brought so much life into our family gatherings was lying there, helpless.
I made a promise to myself that her hard work wouldn’t be wasted– I was going to carry on her legacy. I came back from the Philippines with a desperate hunger to prove myself and to live fiercely on her behalf, and that’s when miracles started happening. I found the courage to ask if I could do my first celebrity interview and even though it wasn’t guaranteed, I talked my way backstage until I got to do the interview.
It took seeing my grandma on her deathbed to realize that I had to grab life by the horns, because even the brightest stars will eventually dim.
And so I kept on pushing. I was jobless and broke, but I kept networking until I found another opportunity to prove myself– this time to handle a project with a team of seven people. I’d never been a leader before, but I remembered how my grandma would command attention and I reminded myself that her blood was coursing through my veins, so I led fearlessly.
I kept pushing. I went to public speaking workshops, I paid off $10,000 of debt in two months, I got featured in a Narcity blog post (lol), and I even kept getting approached with job offers. It’s amazing how the little spark of encouragement she’d planted in me throughout the years had turned into a full-fledged fire.
You were proud of me even before I achieved anything. You loved me unequivocally. You believed in me, told me I was capable, and now i’m flying. I finally have the courage to soar and I have you to thank for it, Nay.
This week I reached the first biggest milestone of my writing career, but this week, I had to say goodbye to you.
Maybe, just maybe, we both stood at the peak together. I reached my little peak on Earth as your soul reached the peak of your body, on its way to Heaven.
OH MY GOD am I still whining about love?
Hahaha. Yes, i’m chuckling to myself too. I’m currently going through a “low”, but something i’ve realized we must do when anything in life is not going our way is to stop fighting. Stop struggling.
I’m not saying to give up. When a car breaks down, you have no choice but to pull over. You get it looked at and fixed before you get back on the road again. That’s the same as with everything else in life.
Holding My Breath
The thing is, I didn’t even like him. But when the communication started to fade, I still kept asking myself what went wrong.
You know that moment when you’re not really sure WTF is going on with you and the other person anymore? You thought it was going good and then BAM, your not-even-a-relationship relationship is over?
I wrote a post called It was over before we even met if you want to read more on the topic!
It SUCKS. It felt like I was holding my breath, trying not to dry heave at the idea of starting from zero again. “Is this the end?”
The answer is that if you have to ask that question, it is. The second you get the gut feeling that it’s over, it’s over. It’s the end of the line. You may now get off the train, off the platform, off the country. Eat, Pray, Love anyone?
Probably the kindest thing you can do is to feel relieved that the worst is over. I sure as heck did! I felt light as a feather, I wasn’t confused anymore.
What do I do when i’m hit with yet another disappointment? I remind myself to breathe. I relax into my couch, read a book, feel horrible in a corner. But the point is, I never stop living my life.
I do temporarily stop taking in boyfriend applications when I get sick of playing the game. I tell the tens and thousands of hot men hoping to get with me that sorry, this post has been re-assigned to Chris Hemsworth, the original owner of my heart.
In Australia they say “no drama”, here in Canada we say “take it easy”. By the time he sent the lame text sorry, i can’t meet up anymore, I was already two days over it and had mentally, physically, and emotionally moved on.
People say i’m strong, but i’m honestly just really impatient and efficient. I don’t like wasting time or energy on people that haven’t earned my loyalty.
Like I said, Stop struggling
When you focus on the source of your stress, you attract more of that stress. You don’t become happy by focusing on how unhappy you are. You’re not in a space to let blessings flow into your life because there’s a lot of mental & emotional blockages going on inside of you.
So breathe, exhale, let go.
It sounds easy but it’s extremely scary to surrender to the sadness, loneliness and anger that you feel. But just remember that happiness and pain are both temporary. There’s catharsis in knowing that it may hurt now, but it’ll get so much better if you release that feeling.
Don’t fight it, don’t deny it, release it. Like a slow fart.
Honestly though, I firmly believe with every fibre of my being that I deserve an amazing relationship. I would hate to not give myself another shot just because it didn’t work out the first 150 times.
Stay resilient, my friends.
Don’t chase after a ghoster. Here are a few good reasons, based on my experience, as to why people sometimes disappear without a warning. The first one’s obvious…
They’re talking to a LOT of people.
You’ve both been texting but even after 1-2 weeks, no plans have been made. Their interest in you starts to dwindle, they meet the next new exciting person, and poof! They’re gone.
Tip: Make a plan to meet up or talk on the phone within the first week (or two) of texting them. I guarantee your texting relationship will lose fire super fast unless plans are made. And this is because…
They don’t really see you as a real person (yet).
This sounds harsh, but they don’t know you. You’re 3 pictures and a paragraph that they swiped right to, probably as they were taking a sh*t. Their decision to treat you well or badly has no repercussion to their personal life. You don’t travel in the same social circles so there’s no blowback to their reputation if they decided to leave you hanging.
Tip: Talk on the phone or meet up. You want to be real to each other if you wanna give dating a shot, unless…
They had no plans to take this virtual relationship public in the first place.
Some people really are just window shopping with no intent of buying. They could be in a complicated relationship, looking for a distraction from their busy lives, or worse– looking to cheat. Remember: Their agenda does not reflect your self-worth.
You can be attractive, have two degrees and be respected by your peers and this person will still act out of their own agenda. They had a plan going in regardless of the person they were going to meet.
They will play by their rules, not yours, no matter how amazing you are. We all want to be the exception, but with online dating, it’s better to stick to the rule.
Tip: It’s a breeze to lie through text but much harder to show ‘sincerity’ while talking on the phone or in person. Ask them how they feel about relationships & dating and see what they say. Read between the lines, people usually give clues about how they feel based on the stories that they share about the topic.
You don’t know exactly what you want and you’re not ready for a relationship.
Did you really think I was gonna let you off that easy?😉
People these days, myself included, go online not knowing what they’re looking for. We oscillate between claiming what we want and settling for what we can get.
You either want commitment or non-commitment. You can’t want both at the same time, and you certainly won’t get both at the same time. If you don’t make up your mind, everything you do will be half-assed and to end up attracting people that are equally as lost as you.
Tip: Make the intangible a reality by writing a list of qualities that you’re looking for in a partner (what they look like, their personality, values, etc). Then write down all of your dealbreakers. Do not compromise on the things that you value the most in your list. When you meet someone, see if who they are align with what you’re looking for.
If they do, invest in them. If they don’t, keep it moving. You should never feel bad for wanting what’s best for you.
They don’t know exactly what they want and they’re just not ready for a relationship.
The right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person, even when there’s attraction. Won’t you agree that love is a force? It forces us to act impulsively and with passion. If there’s no “action” from the other person, there’s not enough attraction. The force of their fear or doubt might be greater than their attraction. The force of their ambition might be greater than their attraction. Either way, it’s out of your control, so let them go.
I think I need to re-evaluate the type of guys I swipe right with. You will read these stories and wonder WHY I ever got to story #4 when I should’ve given up after story #1, but hear me out. A majority of my friends actually found their husbands/fiance/long-term boyfriends online.
Online dating now is not what it was 3 or 5 years ago. It’s way worse because it’s become much more crowded. In this post, I share my top FOUR worst experiences on Bumble.
The Pervy Conspiracy Theorist
We sat on the steps close to Village Icecream at 10th. Literally 15 minutes into the conversation, he started cursing out “all the sick f*cks” in politics, how Pizzagate is real, 9/11, and how child prostitution is apparently rampant in Asia. A family of 5 were eating ice cream in front of us: a child, its parents and grandparents. My ‘date’ gestured to the small boy and proceeded to tell me the story of a child who was sold in the sex trade and murdered in Thailand.
THIS ENCOUNTER WAS INCREDIBLY DISTURBING.
He also kept trying to touch me and get closer to me as he was talking. I wanted to run for the hills and put the sun and jupiter between us.
I asked him what he wanted to do for our first meetup and he said he wanted to SMOKE WEED in my apartment. EXCUSE ME?! You don’t even want to take me out for our first meeting AND you want to leave my place smelling like pot?! Get lost.
First of all, I don’t smoke. Second of all, way to make an effort?
I like to get high off of CONVERSATIONS, not drugs. Byeeeeee.
“I know a few murderers”
I really wish I were making half these stories up, but i’m not.
Can a guy be sweet but also be a sociopath? Take it from this guy, who told me a cute story about driving through a rainbow and casually mentioning that he’s met TWO murderers in his life and it doesn’t really bother him. I started freaking out when he voiced how he thought murder was a normal, recurring thought (like suicide?) which we all experience but don’t necessarily act on.
He also told me he enjoys making Hitler and mass shooting jokes…………………………………
F*CK MY LIFE.
Let’s take it slow for a second. Here’s a picture of a cute puppy, mostly for me because I need a bit of emotional support after being reminded of those creepy men.
And here’s the last story.
Will You Be My Rebound / Side chick?
This guy looked good on paper, seemed caring, and we got along the two times that we did meet. The only catch? He may have been emotionally cheating on his girlfriend with me.
He told me his relationship ended “earlier in the year”, but her social media accounts begged to differ. My first mistake was believing him.
This guy chatted me up daily for more than a month before I caught on to the fact that he had zero intentions of moving past our virtual TEXTING relationship and I was an emotional substitute for his long-distance girlfriend. He will probably die defending the story that they were ‘on a break’ when we started chatting, but even if they were, he knew he was wasting my time but kept doing it anyway.
I’ll never know the real facts of this case, but it has taught me the valuable lesson that nice guys can string you along too.
And this hurt the most because I genuinely thought he was the best of them all.
Dating in 2018 eh?
28 was my #Yearofnofear and the craziest year of my life thus FAR. Here are the top lessons that i’ve learned from this year:
You can love someone and let them go, and yes, it’s possible to have a peaceful breakup where both parties leave with respect for each other and their dignities in tact. Discuss your differences with both of your best interests in mind.
When people ask about your breakup, you can tell them, “I’ve crossed that bridge and I want to keep moving forward, I don’t really want to discuss it anymore.” You don’t have to explain anything to anyone, let alone twice, and you’re entitled to privacy.
You can’t sing about working overtime if you don’t deliver results. At the end of the day, that’s the only way to make your boss happy. They appreciate it when you understand their goals and work to make their ideas a reality. Business always comes first, so don’t take their decisions personally– even if they’ve had to make the call to let you go. It’s not about you, it’s about what’s best for the business.
Like any relationship, you can lay out what’s on the table and decide if the exchange is fair.
- Do you want to do business with them?
- Do you believe in their vision & understand their ethics?
- Are you being compensated fairly for your time & talents?
- Can you deliver results for them?
If the answer is no, you’d be doing both of you a favour by moving on.
Let’s admit the fact that friends typically don’t come up high in our priority list. Our careers, significant others, family, and sometimes even Netflix can take precedence over our dearest friends.
Your friends have needs too! They want to be told that they’re special, that you love them, and that you think about them. Make your interactions positive so that they won’t run away at the sight of you.
How many of us interrupt our friends while they’re talking? Don’t fill in the gap– let them talk while you listen. They will love you for being there because they come to you for comfort, not judgement, right?
Define what dating, relationship, and committed relationship means to you right now and don’t change it for anybody. You really have to love yourself and have high self-esteem to have the power to walk away from someone that you like who isn’t looking out for your best interest. This one is tough.
If you want someone to value you: Don’t be convenient. Texting is convenient, watching your stories is convenient. You know what’s inconvenient? Actually taking you out on a date and introducing you to their mother. lol.
Also, if you tell your friends about the person you’re seeing and their eyebrows are raised the whole time… you’re in big trouble.
You can’t really stop people from becoming who they are. If who they are is hateful, petty, judgmental, and unforgiving… that’s 100% on them. Leave as much space between yourself and this spiteful individual.
Do not let them break down your walls because their goal is to destabilize you. Protect your goodwill and positive energy by physically & mentally distancing yourself from them. If they actually have something constructive to say, good. Use it!
Manipulation is not okay. Breaking people down is not okay. Retaliate with kindness, bless them, and distance yourself from them.
If you act out of the ordinary, you’ll raise eyebrows. That’s pretty standard. We do such a great job of appearing “normal”, but I’m willing to bet on my hypothetical dog’s life that no one has become a millionaire by thinking inside the box.
We can’t pretend the world isn’t changing around us. Even McDonalds has implemented self check-out counters, and self-driving cars are a real thing now. How will you and I stay financially afloat when our jobs aren’t exactly secured? We research. We save. We think ahead.
It’s good to live in the moment, but it also pays to think one step ahead.
November 2, 2018- Calgary
I got a chance to visit the new Central Library when it opened yesterday. Its award-winning design was first chosen through a competition in 2013 and received the Canadian Architect Award of Excellence in 2015. Located at the intersection between Downtown Calgary and East Village, it sits beside city hall station and is just a few steps away from its previous location which officially closed on October 24, 2018.
As you can see, it’s GORGEOUS (and I want to live in it!) ✨😍📚
2004- Former Calgary mayor Dave Bronconnier dreams of new Calgary Central library
2013- Snøhetta (NYC) and DIALOG (Calgary) wins design competition for the new Central Library
2014- Construction for LRT encapsulation tunnel begins
2015- Vertical construction begins
2018- Construction ends on September 14, Opening day held on November 1st
If you wanna get wrapped up in bright warm lights & surrounded by books while sipping on a latte, this is your place! I’m so glad it opened just in time for Winter 🌨️